Managing Abandonment: Stories of Wives Left behind by NRI Grooms
Komal Sharma
Assistant Prof, Department of Sociology, P.G.G.C.G-11, Chandigarh
ABSTRACT:
In a clearly masculine culture of Punjab, the matrimonial alliance to a NRI is not just a matter of social honour but also a link to greener pastures for others in the family from the bride’s side. Women who are made to feel upgraded because of these marriages when encounter the tragedy of fake reality not just find the going tough but also see the society and community largely absent in crisis. Most instances of fake NRI marriages affect women most adversely, both personally and well as socially. This is besides grave psychological implications of theses failed marriages. As we have seen the women who are at the receiving end of theses marriages suffer mental break down and are forced to endure complex psychological disorders. The present paper attempts to highlight the various coping strategies adopted by the wives abandoned by their NRI husbands.
KEYWORDS: Abandoned, Coping strategies, NRI marriages.
INTRODUCTION:
The magnitude of violence against women is seen in a variety of forms- physical, financial, emotional and sexual abuse. An India based study found that more than two fifth (43 percent) of women had been psychologically abused by their partners, and two fifths had been physically abused. Half of the physically abused women underwent violence during pregnancy (International Centre for Research on Women 2003).
However in the case of NRI marriages, problem is not only about the women being abandoned, but includes demand for dowry, cruelty, concealment of pre-existing marriage, bigamy, ex parte divorce and various forms of harassment. Hence, desertion has dreadful and far-reaching consequences for married Indian women. It deeply affects financial, emotional, physical, and social conditions of a woman and renders her life and livelihood practically nonviable (NCW, 2012). Therefore, desertion of married women by their Non-Resident Indian (NRI) husbands is another emergent form of violence, of having assumed the form of a major social epidemic. The issue of NRI abandoned wives is of recent origin gaining serious shape due to the legal and cross national implications. Moreover, the victimized women do not speak about the violence or crimes they have been subjected to, because of the social stigma attached to divorce, desertion and abandonment of wives.
Studies have shown that desertion has more negative than positive effects. Further, the negative effects are more severe for the wife than for the husband (Barber, 1953). There have been many reports of NRI marriages, ending in harassment and even death of such women.
In the present study, in all the cases, victims were subjected to violence in one or the other way. These different forms of violence do not and may not occur in a given order. It also does not mean that one type of violence is less harmful than the other. A perpetrator or abuser may use one type of violence at one time and another type at another moment. A perpetrator may use a combination of different types of violence simultaneously.
Review of Literature:
Studies on marital separation have focused mainly on the incidence of divorce (Fonseca, 1966; Choudhary, 1988; Mehta, 1975). But abandonment, another form of marital separation, is seldom studied as a subject of research. As far the present study is concerned there were few studies highlighting the phenomenon of NRI marriages and the problems faced by the wives abandoned by their NRI husbands. Studies have shown that desertion has more negative effects than positive effects. The negative effects are more severe for the wife than for the husband (Barber, 1953). Abandonment has far reaching consequences for married Indian women. It profoundly affects their financial, physical, emotional, social condition, often rendering their lives and livelihood practically nonviable (Dasgupta, 2011). The following studies throw light on the issue.
Financial Problems:
The families of girls who are not able to arrange for the dowry and fulfill the materialistic demands of their in-laws are usually harassed. The study of Sharma (2005) also showed that these abandoned wives became dependents on their parents and their misery was further compounded if they were pregnant or had children. Various studies show that many of these women are being tortured by their in-laws for dowry and they have no financial support (Melwani, 2005; Jabbi, 2005; Chokha, 2006; NIPCCD, 2007; Solanki, 2012).
Physical Violence:
Sharma (2005) reported that many of these abandoned wives were forced to live with their in-laws virtually as servants and many times these girls were locked up in their homes and were not even allowed to speak to their parents. They were often battered and made to slog like slaves. The Report of NCW (2011) showed that women who went to their husbands’ homes in another country were brutally battered, assaulted, abused both mentally and physically, malnourished, confined and ill-treated by their husbands in several other ways. Many times they were either forced to flee or were forcibly sent back. There have been many reports of NRI marriages, ending in harassment and even death for women.
Emotional Abuse:
Melwani (2005) argued that the most tragic stories perhaps were of the women who kept on waiting year after year for their husbands to return. Sometimes break-up of such marriages resulted in trauma and often women needed psychiatric help to overcome this shock and ordeal. At times the emotional set back that a girl undergoes cannot be compensated with any amount of money or with counseling (Ramanam, 2003). The exact number of such victims is expected to be much higher. Several girls prefer to grieve in isolation, since they feel it is a social stigma to speak about their sorrows. They fear that they would become a laughing stock for the society and their families would be disgraced. Hence, they suffer in silence (Randhawa, 2014). Dasgupta (2011) reports some women are bringing up children who have never seen their fathers and a few have committed suicide to avoid the uncertainties and social shame of being abandoned.
Legal Problems:
According to NCW Report (2011), a woman is denied maintenance in India on the pretext that the marriage had already been dissolved by the court in another country. Gurnani (2005) has found that it can be very difficult to locate the absconding spouse, who may have relocated, quite possibly to a different state. If the residence of the spouse is unknown, courts cannot enforce a support order making it impossible for a woman to receive child or spousal support.
Socio- Cultural Problems:
Society plays a major part in the reconstruction of every victim’s life. It has the responsibility to provide them with support and assistance in order to get back on with their lives but it does not happen everywhere. The victims are further embarrassed by the indifferent attitude of people around. The major socio- cultural problems the victims faced was primarily related to those who had children to support. The husbands or their families never contacted majority of the affected women in these cases after sending them out of their homes. This had left these victims in doldrums over their respective futures and lives. Tuteja (2012) reports that owing to social stigma at times these women are unable to remarry.
OBJECTIVE OF THE STUDY:
· To examine the coping strategies adopted by wives left behind by their NRI husbands.
METHOD:
The study focuses on the state of Punjab in view of the magnitude of the problem related to NRI marriages in state in the recent past. The universe of the study was the wives abandoned by NRIs husbands in Punjab. Within Punjab, Doaba consists of the region which has witnessed a very large number of cases of NRI marriages particularly those of abandoned wives (stated by Chokha, 2006; Rakshak, 2007). Therefore the study area was restricted to the districts of Jalandhar and Kapurthala (including rural and urban areas). Since it was not possible to obtain a sampling frame therefore the cases were selected by using non random method of sampling. The registered cases of abandoned wives by NRI husbands were obtained from the office of Lok Bhalai Party located at Ludhiana. In the view of the qualitative nature of the research issues, the data was obtained by using methods such as personal interviews and narratives. In the present study 20 cases were taken into an account and with the help of the respondents’ narratives the coping strategies adopted by them have been highlighted. To maintain confidentiality, names of the respondents have been changed
Socio-Economic Profile of Respondents (wives abandoned by NRIs):
A demographic analysis is essential before any study is initiated. This helps in understanding the profile of the respondents under study.
Table 1-Socio- Economic Profile of the Respondents
Case (s) |
Names (Fictitious) |
Age at the Time of Interview |
Age at the Time of Marriage |
Caste |
Religion |
Region |
Educational Qualifications |
Occupation |
Income (Rs.) |
1 |
Deepika |
26 |
22 |
Khatri |
Hindu |
Urban |
Post Graduation |
Teaching |
5,000 |
2 |
Inderjit |
29 |
26 |
SC |
Sikh |
Urban |
B.A |
Running her own boutique |
8,000 |
3 |
Suman |
25 |
22 |
Jat |
Sikh |
Rural |
12th |
Tutoring at home |
3,000 |
4 |
Rajni |
23 |
19 |
BC |
Sikh |
Rural |
B.Com |
Teacher |
3,000 |
5 |
Neetu |
28 |
26 |
SC |
Hindu |
Urban |
BA, B.Ed; pursuing M.A |
Teacher |
6.000 |
6 |
Radhika |
23 |
21 |
Brahmin |
Hindu |
Urban |
M.C.A |
Software Engineer |
30,000 |
7 |
Baljeet |
23 |
21 |
Jat |
Sikh |
Rural |
Unemployed |
housewife |
-------- |
8 |
Shruti |
28 |
25 |
Brahmin |
Hindu |
Urban |
B.A |
Teacher |
4,500 |
9 |
Simran |
25 |
22 |
Jat |
Sikh |
Urban |
M.A; (preparing for IELTS) |
Unemployed |
-------- |
10 |
Manpreet |
33 |
28 |
SC |
Sikh |
Rural |
8th |
Stitching |
1,500 |
11 |
Rupinder |
25 |
23 |
Jat |
Sikh |
Rural |
M.A; Pursuing B.Ed |
Unemployed |
--------- |
12 |
Shweta |
29 |
26 |
Brahmin |
Hindu |
Urban |
B.A |
Tutoring at home |
3,000 |
13 |
Karam |
25 |
22 |
Khatri |
Hindu |
Urban |
B.A, B. Ed; (preparing for competitive exams) |
Unemployed |
-------- |
14 |
Navjit |
33 |
29 |
Jat |
Sikh |
Urban |
M.A; computer course |
Teacher (computer centre) |
8,000 |
15 |
Neetu Dhanjal |
30 |
24 |
BC |
Sikh |
Urban |
10+2 and diploma in Fashion Designing |
Assistant Designer |
8,000 |
16 |
Ramandeep |
24 |
22 |
Jat |
Sikh |
Urban |
B.A |
Looking after Family Business |
50-60,000 |
17 |
Preeti |
26 |
20 |
Khatri |
Hindu |
Urban |
B.A |
Unemployed |
-------- |
18 |
Manju |
26 |
23 |
Khatri |
Hindu |
Urban |
B.A |
Teaching computers |
5,000 |
19 |
Virpal |
27 |
22 |
Jat |
Sikh |
Urban |
M.A |
Running Parlour |
4,000 |
Field work:
Age at the time of Interview and Marriage:
Table 1 indicates that nine respondents (out of total 20) got married in the age group of 21-23 years, followed by five respondents who got married in the age group of 24-26 years. Three respondents (Case 10, 14 and 20) got married in the age group of 27-29 years. The reasons behind getting married in this particular higher age group were different. It was a case of second marriage for two respondents (Case 10 and 14). One of the respondents (Case 10) was a widow and another respondent (Case 14) was a divorcee. The third respondent (Case 20) was pursuing a professional degree so the marriage got delayed.
There were three respondents (Case 4, 7 and 17) who got married at an early age, i.e. 18-20 years. It was observed that the parents of the two respondents (Case 4 and 7) were informed that the boy was well settled abroad and had a permanent resident (PR) status. The parents and respondents in these two cases (Case 4 & 7) gave their approval for the marriage without even giving a second thought. The father of one respondent (Case 17) was not keeping well and wanted to get his daughter married at the earliest. It was shocking to observe that parents in this case had married their daughter to a boy who was not even well settled but was planning to move abroad in couple of years. The respondents’ parents hoped that ultimately their daughter would also accompany her husband abroad.
In Table 1, the parameter, i.e. present age of the respondents, indicates that eight respondents (Case 1, 3, 9, 11, 13, 16, 17 and18) were in the age group of 24-26 years, while five respondents (Case 2, 5, 8, 12 and 9) were in 27-29 years age group and in three respondents (Case 4, 6 and 7) were in the age group of 21-23 years. There were two respondents (Case 15 and 20) that were in the age group of 30-32 years, and another two respondents (Case 10 and 14) were above 32 years. Such age-wise distribution indicates that the majority of respondents had been abandoned between the age group of 21-26 and 24-29 years. The data shows that the desertion took place within a few years of marriage. The women between the age group of 24-29 years were at a higher risk of being subjected to desertion than women of other age groups.
Caste affiliations of the Respondents:
In Table 3.1.3 we can see that seven respondents belonged to Jat families, while five respondents belonged to Khatri families. Three respondents were Ravidasias and another three respondents were Brahmins. Two respondents belonged to Ramgharia (BC) community. There was not a single instance of inter caste marriage. This could be due to the fact that most of the marriages were arranged and the parents preferred to practise endogamy.
Religious Affiliations of the Respondents:
In Table 1, the data indicate that the cases of abandoned wives of NRIs were reported from the two main religious groups, i.e. Sikhs and Hindus. The maximum number of respondents, i.e. 12, belonged to the Sikh religion, whereas eight respondents belonged to Hindu religion. It was observed that the inclination towards the NRI proposal was present among both the religious groups i.e. Sikhs and Hindus.
Residential Background of the Respondents:
Table 1 reflects that in the majority of cases, (i.e. fifteen) respondents belonged to urban locale. There were only five cases where the respondents were from rural areas. It is normally expected that individuals in urban areas would be aware of the incidences related to fake NRI marriages taking place in Punjab and other states of India. It was shocking to note that out of 20 cases, there were only four respondents (Case 3, 6, 16 and 20) who along with their parents were aware of such fraudulent marriages. However, in sixteen cases the respondents and their families had no idea about such incidences of fake NRI marriages. It was observed that out of these sixteen cases majority of respondents (i.e. twelve) belonged to urban areas and four respondents were from rural areas.
Educational status of the Respondents:
It was surprising that a majority of the respondents were educated. Table 3.1.6 reveals that ten respondents were graduates, while seven respondents were post-graduates. There were only two respondents (Case 3 and 15) who had studied only up to Senior Secondary level. There was only one respondent (Case 10) who has studied up to 8th standard and could not pursue her education as she failed in 9th standard that dented her interest in studies. The observations show that it was not only the uneducated girls who became the victims of this menace rather the problem was more common among the educated girls from urban areas.
Occupational Status of the Respondents:
It is clear from Table 3.1.7 that in more than half of the cases, i.e. fifteen respondents were gainfully employed. The data show that six respondents (Case 1, 4, 5, 8, 14 and 18) were engaged in teaching. Out of these, four respondents (Case 1, 4, 5 and 8) were teaching in schools and two (Case 14 and 18) were teaching computers at computer centers.
There were five respondents (Case 7, 9, 11, 13 and 17) who were housewives. They could not engage themselves in jobs as all of them had children to look after and were dependent on their parents. Four respondents (Case 2, 10, 15 and 19) were engaged in vocational/ skilled jobs. The respondents practiced diverse occupations such as running a boutique (Case 2), owning beauty parlor (Case 19), doing small stitching work at home (Case 10) and working as an assistant designer in some boutique (Case 15).
Three respondents (Case 3, 12 and 16) had their own business. Two respondents (Case 3 and 12) offered tuitions at home and one (Case 16) was looking after her family joint business after her father’s death. Two respondents (Case 6 and 20) were engaged in professional jobs. One of the respondents (Case 6) was working as a software engineer in some IT company and the other (Case 20) was working as a Manager. One respondent (Case 11) had enrolled herself in a professional course, i.e. B.Ed. to upgrade her educational qualifications and to become economically independent.
While interviewing the respondents it was observed that majority of the respondents had opted for jobs and started earning after getting abandoned or divorced by their NRI husbands. There were only five respondents (Case 2, 5, 15, 18 and 19) who were working before their marriage, while fifteen respondents were either studying or were staying at home before their marriage. Respondents gave varied reasons for choosing their jobs. Out of fifteen cases, six respondents (Case 4, 12, 15, 16, 14 and 20) reported that they were pursuing jobs not for the financial reasons, but to escape from the bitter memories that haunted them in solitude. Six respondents (Case 1, 2, 5, 10, 18 and 19) disclosed that they did not want to burden their parents by becoming a liability. There were two respondents (Case 6 and 8) whose fathers were economically well-off and they were educated and were working and were satisfied with their remuneration. However, there was one respondent (Case 3) whose father had a meager income and was financially not very well off. It was observed that in this case, the respondent was supporting her family financially.
Income of the Respondents:
It was observed that six respondents (Case 3, 4, 8, 10, 12 and 19) belonged to low income group while other six respondents (Case 1, 2, 5, 14, 15 and 18) were from middle income group. Only three respondents (Case 6, 16 and 20) belonged to high income group. However, there were five respondents (Case 7, 9, 11, 13 and 17) who were not engaged in any occupation and therefore were unemployed and dependent on their parents.
Among all the cases, it was observed that three respondents (Case 3, 7 and 10) were not satisfied with their earnings. Two of them, i.e. Case 3 and 4 belonged to a low income group and their parents were not financially well off to support their daughters. In Case 3, the respondent reported that she was not able to pay fees of the lawyers for filing her case in the court. In case 10, the respondent informed that her income was so low that she could not provide good education to her children. Among these three cases, one respondent (Case 7) was a housewife and had a daughter. This respondent revealed that her husband was not supporting her financially and she was completely dependent on her in-laws. She also reported that she could not ask her parents for help as they already had to bear with a number of other liabilities. In rest of the cases, respondents were satisfied with whatever they were earning. Thus, it was observed that in majority of the cases the respondents were from low and middle income groups.
Coping Strategies:
All the respondents in this study had gone and were still going through a traumatic experience. There were various strategies adopted by the victims in order to cope up; however these strategies differed depending on the respective situation of each of them. After their troubled lives a few had gone back to revive their professional career while others had started a new one. Taking up new courses and remaining busy in the household chores had been used a mode by some to avoid disturbing thoughts about their past, while some of them decided to wait for the problems to resolve with passage of time, while others had given up the idea of remarriage.
When divorce or separation happened, the immediate response of the victims was to isolate themselves from the society as they would be bombarded with personal questions. The victims generally deliberately distanced themselves from the social life, primarily to avoid social stigma of being abandoned. Deepika and Rajni had adopted following strategies to cope up with the situation:
I simply go to school and remain busy in household chores. Infact I usually do not get any time to talk to my neighbours. (Deepika, Case 1)
I kept myself busy in job and household chores to avoid the bitter memories. I am trying hard to regain the same confidence which I had before my marriage. (Rajni, Case 4)
The other two respondents confronted their situation thus:
After a year, Radhika joined a software company in Chennai to move on in her life again. (Radhika, Case 6)
I am taking computer classes for one hour and preparing myself for banking services. (Karam, Case 13)
I am staying with my parents and taking tuitions to divert my mind. I am earning Rs. 3000 per month. My parents are fully supporting me. (Shweta, Case 12)
Radhika had changed her social environment by choosing to work for a software company in Chennai. This had given her an opportunity to focus more on her career. Similarly, Karam had been taking tuition classes and preparing for a career in banking service. However Shweta was also trying hard to divert her mind by taking tuitions. It was a positive development for all these women to focus on their future rather than their past.
There are two main reasons as to why the victims chose to become professionally active. The primary one is that it was a mode of diversion from their marital troubles and the second that it gave them financial independence to survive with dignity.
I do not want to be dependent on my parents; I just need their moral support. (Manju, Case 18)
To relieve myself of stress and to remain busy I have got admission in Bachelors of Education (B.Ed.). (Rupinder, Case 11)
Manju was clear that she did not want to be a burden on her parents by being financially dependent on them. This had given her confidence to lead a life on her own. She explained that she did not need anything except some moral support from her parents. Rupinder on the other hand had enrolled herself in a graduate course (B.Ed.) with the intention to settle down and divert her attention.
Not every victim found it easy to cope up with the situation. Some had entirely moved on from the troublesome situation they were in, while others were still entangled with the people who had ruined their lives. Cases given below describe how these women were still involved with their past.
I avoid his calls and want to punish him and his family so that he is not able to spoil the lives of other innocent girls. My only ray of hope is the judgment which is pending in the trial court for disposal. (Manpreet, Case 10)
Though my situation is hopeless, still I find some pleasure in the company of my daughter for whom I feel sorry for not being blessed with paternal love. (Baljeet, Case 7)
I have planned to give good education to my son and do not want to remarry as I
have lost faith in marriage. (Shruti, Case 8)
Manpreet was very much determined to put her husband behind the bars, as she did not want to let him ruin the life of another girl. Baljeet and Shruti were taking care of their respective children. Baljeet felt sorry for her daughter for not having her father around, while Shruti felt that her only aim in life was to provide good education to her son and she did not wish to re-marry.
Reconciled with the trauma of failed marriage, these women said:
I have borne enough mental and physical torture. I want to start my life afresh. I will move abroad and carve a niche for myself. (Simran, Case 9)
Though she plans to move abroad to do MBA, her mother’s health and her own health have not permitted. (Ramandeep, Case 16)
Simran had decided that moving to another country would change the environment around her. While Ramandeep had also decided to move abroad for her higher studies but her mother’s ill-health had made her put the idea on hold.
Recovering from a bad phase in life is very important for every person. It takes a lot of courage to overcome the difficult experiences and then to work to rebuild the future. These narratives reveal more:
I do not want to recall my story. My father is interested in marrying me to some local boy. Even I want to start my life afresh. I have resumed my previous job with the same pay just to remain busy, so that I can divert my mind. (Neetu Dhangal, Case 15)
Today I have my own life, I am happy, I work, I earn and I am free. (Gursimran, Case 20)
Neetu did not wish to waste any more time in her life brooding over her miserable past. She had gone back to her previous job and her father was keen that she should remarry. Gursimran also felt that so long as she was with her husband she was constantly humiliated and tortured but after getting free from his shackles her life was very much in her control and she felt independent.
There are victims who were unable to move on from the offence committed against them. They were desperate to escape the situations they were put into but could not muster strength. With no hopes left, these women were trying hard to change the situations around them.
I am neither interested in resolving my marital dispute nor do I want to remarry. (Inderjit, Case 2)
“Agar mein ik wiah wich khush nahin reh saki tan duja wiah kiwein kar sakdi haan.”(If I could not be happy in one marriage, how can I expect happiness from another marriage?). (Suman, Case 3)
“Mera tan viah ton vishwaas hi uth gaya hai! Mere nasseb wich hi viah da sukh nahin si”(I have lost all faith in marriage! I was never destined to enjoy a happy married life)…. Now I want to go abroad so that I do not have to face insults in India and my parents have no objection to this. (Navjit, Case 14)
She needs some economic security for her future and hence, the demand for maintenance. A responsible sister, she wants to educate her siblings so as to ensure a comfortable life for them. Looking for divine justice, she says“Jehde lok kise naal eho jeha saluk karde ne, unhana nu kadhi ton kadhi sazaa ditti jaani chahidi hai” (Those who mete out such ill-treatment to their daughters-in-law should be severely punished). (Neetu, Case 5)
“Bhawein ajj mein uss nu talaak de dita hai par mere layi eh 8 saal bhulne bahut mushkil ne. Ohna ne meri life narak bana ditti si usdi sazaa tan rabb ohna nu jarur dayega” (Though I have divorced him, it’s very difficult for me to forget those eight years. They made my life hell! God will punish them for that). (Preeti, Case 17)
Inderjit and Suman had lost their faith in marriage and hence did not want to get married again. Navjit too had lost faith in marriage as it was her second marriage. Her dreams had been shattered twice with the disastrous failure of her second marriage. Now she wanted to go abroad not because of any craze but to save herself from the social stigma. While Neetu said that her only motive in her life was to provide education to her siblings, she wanted to fulfil her responsibilities as a sister. She had diverted her mind by keeping herself busy with the responsibilities and whenever any thought came to her mind related to her husband she gave vent to her anger by cursing the people who had ill-treated her. Similar to Neetu, Preeti consoled herself by keeping her faith in the divine justice of god.
However there was a case where the victim suffered from extreme guilt and kept blaming herself for her situation.
Now, I have no dreams left for myself. I hate myself for loving an insensitive man. He cheated me, and my family. (Virpal, Case 19)
Virpal was feeling so dejected by her life that she held herself responsible for whatever had happened to her.
CONCLUSION:
Victims had thus adopted different strategies to overcome their problems. Majority of the respondents either engaged themselves in jobs or had joined professional courses to become economically independent. However there were some women who were not able to move on from their past due to financial constraints. Moral support of the parents had emerged as the single most important factor helping the victim respondents to reconcile with the trauma and start afresh.
The problems were not only limited to the respondents but their parents and children too became the victims. Respondents were constantly in the grip of anxiety which ended up leading to their deteriorating health condition. They were never taken care of and were ignored by their husbands and stigmatized by society. With added responsibility of looking after the kids, some of the respondents had to cope up with their ruined lives, by completely ignoring their own health and wellbeing.
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Research J. Humanities and Social Sciences. 8(4): October -December, 2017, 475-482.
DOI: 10.5958/2321-5828.2017.00070.5
Received on 03.09.2017
Modified on 20.09.2017
Accepted on 19.10.2017
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